Holy (Jelly Bean) War

First there was the Jelly Bean Prayer*. Then I rewrote it to create the Anglicanized version**. Next Fr. Scott Gunn rewrote it into a High Church version***, falsely accusing me of low churchmanship which I consider both slanderous and libelous.

Now, Fr. Gunn is clever. If you read his blog, Seven Whole Days, you know this. Unfortunately for him, I’m even more clever, gifted, and downright holy. I’ve re-re-re-re-written the Jelly Bean Prayer to reflect my superiority.

The Jelly Bean Prayer (Holier Than Thou Version)
Red is for Fr. Gunn’s face as he stands in shame,
Green is for his envy since I’m better at this game.
Yellow is the color of Scott’s “bravery,”
Orange is for sherbet he finds unsavory.
Black is for his preaching that keeps us in the dark,
White is for the flag we wave at his remark.
Purple is for the shirt he wishes he had,
Pink is the closest color in which he’ll be clad.
Jelly Beans are short and sweet,
Fr. Gunn is tall and likes to Tweet.

*The Jelly Bean Prayer
Red is for the blood he gave,
Green is for the grass he made.
Yellow is for the Sun so bright,
Orange is for the edge of night.
Black is for the sins we made,
White is for the grace he gave.
Purple is for the hours of sorrow,
Pink is for a new tomorrow.
Jelly beans, colorful and sweet,
a promise, a prayer, and loved one’s treat.

**The Jelly Bean Prayer (Anglicanized)
Red is for the Holy Spirit blowing ’round,
Green is for God’s blessings that abound.
Yellow is the color of Easter dresses,
Orange, used liturgically, merely distresses.
Black is for our clergy’s attire,
White is for robes worn by the choir.
Purple is for bishops who like to look fancy,
Pink is only worn by women named Nancy.
Jelly Beans, colorful and yummy,
They’re just candy, you evangelical dummy.

***The Catholic Jelly Bean Prayer
Red is for the Precious Blood,
Green is for Rogation’s spring buds.
Yellow reminds us of golden things,
Orange is for candle-lit bling.
Black is cassocks, right and mete,
White is an amice tied and neat.
Purple is for stoles worn in confession
Pink is laetare, gaudate, copes in procession.
Jelly beans point to Mother Church,
they’re sweet and, like her, won’t leave you in the lurch.


3 Comments on “Holy (Jelly Bean) War”

  1. Scott Gunn says:

    Right back atcha, Padre.

    Red penned ink notes fill Tim’s verse,
    Green Martians would not write worse.
    Yellow highlights you won’t find there,
    Orange, New Jersey, says, “We’re scared!”
    Black-wearing people mourn the vernacular,
    White-shirted students study the craptacular.
    Purple grapes grow on long vines,
    Pink-cheeked Schenck goes on and whines.
    Jelly beans make doggerel fodder,
    especially for the Hingham jotter.

  2. Father Tim says:

    To paraphrase the great spiritual leader Yoda (who is green by the way), Rival worthy you are.

  3. Mary Cox says:

    Ooo, I think this round goes to you, Tim–real rhymes, and the metre almost scans! Not to mention the unabashed personal attacks…

    (I wrote one and posted it as a comment on Scott’s blog last night, but it is wimpy and NICE, really. Bland stuff compared to the blood-letting here.)


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