The 12 Days of Christmas — Snark Edition

My least favorite Christmas carol by far is the “Twelve Days of Christmas.” It’s not that I wouldn’t want to give my “true love” a whole bunch of poultry, its that it’s the Yuletide equivalent of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog post titled The 12 Days of Christmas (The “Real” True Meaning). It was rather church humor-y in nature as I imagined the meaning behind the twelve gifts (ie. Six Geese a-Laying — six seminarians laying homiletical eggs in the pulpit).

Anyway, this year I’m offering the official Clergy Family Confidential snark version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Enjoy and Merry Christmastide!

Twelve drummers drumming until your ears start to bleed and please get rid of that Little Drummer Boy while you’re at it.

Eleven Pipers piping “Amazing Grace” since that’s all they seem to know

Ten Lords-a-Leaping which is heretical since there’s only one Lord.

Nine Ladies liturgically dancing in outfits made of pink chiffon so you’ll want to avert your eyes.

Eight Maids-a-Milking but don’t drink the milk because it’s neither pasteurized nor homogenized so there are chunks floating in it.

Seven Swans-a-Swimming in your basement because you forgot to turn the water off and the pipes froze.

Six Geese-a-laying goose poop all over your back yard.

Five Gold Rings or actually just one because you pawned the other four.

Four Calling Birds which are really annoying when they wake you up way too early on New Year’s Day after a late night out.

Three French Hens although you’d much prefer French fries.

Two bars of Dove soap shaped like turtles that you can’t wait to regift.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree which looks more like a pigeon than anything else.

The Blingiest Angel

Inspired by an angel at our recent “Little Kids” Pageant following church on the Fourth Sunday of Advent, I wrote a new Christmas story. Among the twenty or so angels, one stood out. They were all adorable, of course, and we only had one “fallen angel” this year — she fell off the stage. But one angel refused to wear the requisite white cotta and showed up in a shimmery dress. It was awesome!

So after tinkering with sermons and liturgical details all afternoon it just sort of poured forth. Everyone has different ways of dealing with pre-Christmas energy — some eat sugar cookies or drink egg nog. I blog. It’s a horrible piece of “literature” but it was fun to write. Enjoy.

The Blingiest Angel

Six-year-old Angelina loved to play dress up. She didn’t care for costumes like tutus or princess gowns. Angelina was all about the bling. Tiara? Of course. Giant shiny costume jewelry? Naturally. Silver sequins? The best.

When she realized she was finally old enough to play an angel in her church’s Christmas pageant, she could barely contain her excitement. Throughout the first few weeks of December, she spent every evening rummaging through her mom’s jewelry box to find the perfect combination of Christmas bling. While her mother didn’t own a blingy halo, she was confident this could easily be created.

At the first rehearsal, the pageant director handed out white robes and halos made out of tin foil. “No thanks,” said Angelina. “I have my own.” This earned a confused look but Mrs. Dingo figured the little girl’s older sister must have been an angel in a previous pageant. “That mother probably never returned the robe,” she thought. “One did go missing two years ago.”

That night Angelina, stayed up past her bedtime to put the finishing touches on her costume. She would be the most beautiful and blingiest angel ever to wear wings. Even if no one would really even notice baby Jesus — played by her pest of a baby brother — people who walked in darkness would see a great light.

On Christmas Eve, Angelina spent an hour locked in the bathroom getting ready for the big day. When she arrived, she was resplendent in blinged-out bliss. Her dress shimmered, her halo sparkled, her wings shined. She was the blingiest angel in pageant history.

Her grand entrance didn’t quite go as planned. Mrs. Dingo took one look, pointed her bony finger, and cried, “Out! Out! There was no bling at the manger!” Crestfallen, Angelina left the church and sat sulking and freezing on a stone bench in the church courtyard. She watched as all the C and Eers poured into the small stone church. She felt like Mary and Joseph as they were turned away by the inn keeper, left on the outside looking in.

But suddenly, just as the procession was about to begin, the cast members, the acolytes, and the clergy were suddenly blinded by a great light. From the courtyard a figure appeared transfigured as a large star rose in the east. Light danced off Angelina’s dress and halo and wings like a vision. Everyone beckoned to her to join the festivities and she slowly walked back toward the front doors of the church.

Angelina’s smile was almost as bright as her bling. Her angelic presence made the pageant come alive. Everyone was thrilled, except for Mrs. Dingo who quit on the spot after serving as pageant director for the last 63 years. The C and Eers were so thrilled they all joined the Altar Guild and starting attending church every week.

In time, Angelina grew up and was called by God to ordained ministry. She is now the blingiest priest in the diocese — literally  outshining all the other clergy and even her bishop. Sure, parishioners now must wear sunglasses to church. But through Angelina the light of Christ shines more brightly than ever before.

THE END

9 Words & Phrases Preachers Should Avoid on Christmas Eve

You hear that sound? It’s the click-click-click of Christian preachers throughout the world putting the finishing touches on their Christmas Eve sermons. For many people, this is one of just a handful of times they’ll hear the gospel proclaimed in a given year. Thus there’s an opportunity for preachers to reach many folks who aren’t regular church attendees. The criteria for preachers is simple: welcoming, insightful, funny, moving, relatable, funny, and short. No big deal, right?

I’ve heard preachers use the opportunity to lay thick guilt upon those “C & Eers” — those who only come on Christmas and Easter. One rector I knew stood up at announcement time and said in a very sarcastic voice, “You know, we do this every week.” And I find that attitude so unhelpful. I prefer to err on the side of welcoming and grace. But I’m also aware that no matter how effectively I preach, it’s up to God to move people’s hearts and draw them deeper into the life of the Spirit. That actually takes a lot of pressure off.

Some of the best advice for preachers seeking to knock it out of the park on Christmas Eve comes from the Rev. David Lose. He reminds us that “the Word is proclaimed in the carols, the greens, the candles, and the assembly. You don’t have to say everything.” Amen!

But still, you have to say something. And as you do, here’s some advice on words and phrases to avoid in your Christmas Eve sermon:

Paradigm — No one is impressed with your big fancy words that would be better used in a theological journal. This goes for every sermon, not just the Christmas sermon.

Birthday Party for Jesus — Please don’t trivialize the Incarnation (see below).

Incarnation — Actually this is a great word to use but make sure you define it. You can’t assume everyone knows this theological reference to God entering the world in human form.

Santa — Everybody loves Santa, everybody knows about Santa, but we’re not in church to hear about the jolly old elf.

Keep Christ in Christmas — Uh, that’s what we’re doing in church.

Bands of Cloth — Yes, the New Revised Standard version uses “bands of cloth” rather than the King James’ “swaddling clothes.” All I can think of when I hear this are strips of gauze and mummies. Keep the poetry of our shared story intact.

Greatest Story Ever Told — We know. That’s why we’re here.

Pope — Pope Francis has caused quite a positive stir in his first year as head of the Roman Church. For Anglicans, however, let’s leave our pope envy at the door.

Mashup — We know that the Christmas story used in pageants is an amalgamation of the various gospel accounts. Shepherds and wisemen never show up at the same time and the Magi actually don’t show up for another twelve days. But deconstructing this on Christmas Eve isn’t helpful — go with it and save your textual literalism for an adult education class.

Well, there you go. Blessings to all who prepare and preach Christmas sermons — as well as those who hear them.

Top Ten Ways Duck Dynasty Ruins Christmas — Clergy Edition

As everyone knows, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson found himself in hot water (yes, that’s a cooking reference to boiled duck) after calling homosexuality a sin in a recent GQ article. While many Old Testament prophets had beards, no one I know would confuse Robertson with a prophet or look to him for theological insights.

I’ve actually never seen the show or had even heard of this guy before the controversy erupted (when he flashed on the screen I assumed he was just another member of the Boston Red Sox), this whole situation will have a profound effect on clergy this Christmas. Think I’m being overly dramatic? Here are the Top Ten Ways Duck Dynasty Ruins Christmas — Clergy Edition.

10. Can’t yell “duck!” as the new thurifer wantonly swings the incense pot at a parishioner’s head during Midnight Mass.

9. Guilt over ordering duck sauce with the Chinese meal you’ve had delivered by the only place open on Christmas Eve to cram down between the services.

8. The Verger can’t refer to getting the procession in order as having all his “ducks in a row.”

7. Must take out all references to Make Way for Ducklings during the children’s service. This is a special hardship for clergy in Boston.

6. Forget taking a Duck Boat tour with the in-laws the day after Christmas.

5. Impossible to announce your retirement during Christmas services for fear of someone calling you a “lame duck” on the way out.

4. Can’t sing “Rubber Ducky, You’re the One” while soaking in the tub to relax before all the services start. Plus there are those rumors about Bert and Ernie…

3. Referring to all your parishioners as “sitting ducks” as they sit to listen to the sermon is out the window.

2. Taking side bets on the Oregon Ducks’ bowl game during the passing of the peace is verboten.

1. Forced to remove all all references to foie gras from the Christmas Eve sermon.

So there you have it. Thanks Duck Dynasty guy for making Christmas just a little bit more difficult for all the men and women of the cloth (some of whom may well be considered quacks).

Anyway, I just thank God that I’m not the pastor of Duck United Methodist Church in Duck, North Carolina.

Magi MythBusters! (and the real reasons they were late)

As you probably know, we celebrate the arrival of the Magi to Bethlehem on January 6th, the Feast of the Epiphany. Well, unless your only contact with the Christmas story is an annual Christmas pageant in which case you believe they arrived right after the shepherds on Christmas Eve. Yes, we conflate these stories making every creche, not to mention every Christmas Eve pageant, biblically incorrect (shepherds and kings don’t mix — look it up).

But that’s okay — I’m just glad people are hearing the story even if it’s the Cliff’s Notes version. Plus, I sure won’t be the one to tell the pageant director there won’t be any frankincense next year.

While we mark the arrival of the Magi on January 6th, the reality is we don’t actually know when they showed up. In fact it may have been years later assuming they didn’t start traveling from the East (probably modern day Iran) until the birth itself when the star appeared. Camels aren’t exactly built to set land speed records.

Oh, and they weren’t really kings either. More like astrologers or scientists who worshipped and sought truth in a variety of ways. They were respected for their wisdom and spiritual insight but it’s not like they were “real” kings like, say, Herod.

One thing is clear: they never showed up at the manger as popular legend would have it. Matthew’s gospel makes this clear: “And going into the house they [the Magi] saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh” (Matthew 2:11). Going into the house! Which makes sense since surely the Holy Family didn’t stay in that stable for too long.

By the time the Magi made it to the party, perhaps Jesus was finally sleeping through the night (let’s face it, that first night might have been holy but, as any parent knows, there was surely nothing “silent” about it). Still, the gold, frankincense, and myrrh? Lousy baby gifts by any standard. I’m sure Mary was really hoping for some diapers, a few onesies, and a binky.

A couple of years ago, just for fun, I started wondering about what kept the three kings from making an on-time arrival. I scoured many sources and came up with the following possibilities:

1. Balthazar took forever doing his hair while Caspar and Melchior sat on their camels and stewed.

2. The holiday traffic on the way into Bethlehem was dreadful.

3. Four words: goats in the road.

4. The Star of Bethlehem (the original GPS) kept saying “recalculating” and they found themselves in a sketchy part of town.

5. Caspar drank way too much water at the first oasis which meant an extra long stop at the Molly Pitcher rest stop.

6. Untying fancy sandals to go through the TSA checkpoint took a long time. Retying them took forever.

7. Due to poor behavior on the part of the other two kings, Melchior had to pull over more than once to yell, “If you don’t stop fighting I’m going to turn this caravan right around!”

8. Stopping at the Holiday Inn slowed them down because, in a precursor to today’s “culture wars,” Balthazar kept insisting the name should be changed to “Christmas Inn.”

9. “I told you that stop at Herod’s house was a waste of time.”

10. They took a vote and decided to take their sweet time getting to the manger so they would have a day all to themselves on the Church calendar.

I’m not sure you’d find any scriptural warrant for this list. But then again you’d find the same basis for assuming the Magi showed up at the manger.

I wish you all a blessed Epiphany. How great that it coincides with Sunday morning this year!

The 12 Days of Christmas (The “Real” True Meaning)

During these Twelve Days of Christmas, you’ll see a number of e-mails about the alleged “meaning” behind the traditional carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” While this is my least favorite Christmas song (shades of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall), there is compelling evidence that this was composed as an underground catechetical ditty. So the Four Calling Birds refer to the four gospels, the Six Geese a-Laying symbolize the six days of creation, and so on.

Of course there’s equally compelling evidence that this is complete baloney. See the supposed meanings and the debunking on Snopes.com.

Whatever you believe, I have actually done some exhaustive research (and by “exhaustive” I mean that I’m still completely exhausted from all the Christmas services), and have uncovered the “real” true meaning behind this carol.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
(the “Real” True Meaning)

A Partridge in a Pear Tree — the rector hiding in a tree from coffee hour complaints

Two Turtle Doves — the two parishioners comprising the parish Peace and Justice Committee

Three French Hens — the three French ladies who sit in the front row every year at Midnight Mass

Four Calling Birds — four members of the Commission on Ministry

Five Gold Rings — five bishops caucusing at the House of Bishops meeting

Six Geese a-Laying — six seminarians laying homiletical eggs in the pulpit

Seven Swans a-Swimming — seven baptisms at the Easter Vigil, stretching the liturgy to three hours

Eight Maids a-Milking — eight members of the hospitality committee bringing non-dairy creamer to coffee hour

Nine Ladies Dancing — the one and only time liturgical dance appeared at St. Swithin’s

Ten Lords a-Leaping — inserted into the new Christmas Pageant from the avant garde director

Eleven Pipers Piping — the eleven funeral last year that included a bag piper playing Amazing Grace at the end

Twelve Drummers Drumming — the “drumming circle” used at the ill-fated “contemporary worship service”

Top Reasons Why the Magi Were So Late

As everyone knows, we celebrate the arrival of the Magi to the manger on January 6th, the Feast of the Epiphany. Well, unless your only contact with the Christmas story is an annual pageant in which case you believe they arrived right after the shepherds on Christmas Eve. Don’t get me started on the way we jumble the story at pageants (the shepherds and wise men never meet!). But I sure won’t be the one to tell the pageant director (and the parents) that there won’t be any frankincense this year.

The reality is that, according to Scripture, the Magi arrived today. Perhaps by now Jesus is sleeping through the night (let’s face it, that first night might have been holy but, as any parent knows, there was surely nothing “silent” about it).

Anyway, this got me wondering about what kept the three kings from making an on-time arrival. I scoured many sources at the Vatican library and came up with the following possibilities:

1. Balthazar took forever doing his hair while Caspar and Melchior sat on their camels and stewed.

2. The holiday traffic on the way into Bethlehem was dreadful.

3. Four words: goats in the road.

4. The Star of Bethlehem (the original GPS) kept saying “recalculating” and they found themselves in a sketchy part of town.

5. Caspar drank way too much water at the first oasis which meant an extra long stop at the Molly Pitcher rest stop.

6. Untying fancy sandals to go through the TSA checkpoint took a long time. Retying them took forever.

7. Due to poor behavior on the part of the other two kings, Melchior had to pull over more than once to yell, “If you don’t stop fighting I’m going to turn this caravan right around!”

8. Stopping at the Holiday Inn slowed them down because, in a precursor to today’s “culture wars,” Balthazar kept insisting the name should be changed to “Christmas Inn.”

9. “I told you that stop at Herod’s house was a waste of time.”

10. They took a vote and decided to take their sweet time getting to the manger so they would have a day all to themselves on the Church calendar.

Have a blessed Epiphany everyone!