Eucharistic Caffeination

With all the controversy surrounding caffeinated alcoholic beverages, I’ve concluded that it’s time to introduce caffeinated communion wine. Why not combine the spirituality of the Eucharist with the caffeine of Coffee Hour?

Here are some potential benefits:

1. At the end of the liturgy when the deacon bids us to “Go in peace to love and serve the Lord,” we’ll all have the energy to do just that.

2. Think of it as a double shot of Jesus.

3. It will spell the end of intinction (the practice of dipping the wafer into the wine) and a return to the common cup.

4. The line to greet the clergy at the end of the service will move much faster.

5. Watching parents of young children chasing their kids around the parish hall as they ping off the walls will make for great sport.

6. Get an early start to Sunday brunch.

7. Twitching during the final blessing may evolve into more people crossing themselves, thus upping the piety of the congregation.

8. Having to consume the extra consecrated wine will make Coffee Hour much more pleasant for the priest. Unless he/she has a heart condition.

9. Gives new meaning to the holiness of “St. Arbucks.”

10. If introduced during the season of Advent, which begins this Sunday, it will complement the traditional Advent call to “Keep awake.”

If your parish does switch to caffeinated communion wine, please let me know how the transition goes. I look forward to adding to this list.

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