If you’ve ever…you must be a priest in DioMass

Couldn't find an Anglican Idol logo

Couldn’t find an Anglican Idol logo

Yes, it’s that time of the year: Clergy Conference. Three of the four I’ve been to here in the Diocese of Massachusetts have been graced by an evening “talent” show (aka Anglican Idol). My first year I wrote a poem welcoming me to the diocese. That was followed up by a letter from then-Senator John Kerry after he canceled at the last minute. Tonight I’m riffing on Jeff Foxworthy.

Most of this is insider clergy humor. Hopefully, if you even bother to continue reading, you won’t get most of the references.

If you’ve ever…you must be a priest in DioMass

If you’ve ever had to shovel the snow off the front steps of your church in April…

If you’ve ever tried to buy a drink with MECA Bucks at your local pub…

If you’ve ever been to a diocesan convention and prayed to Jesus that the bishop wouldn’t uncross his legs…

If you’ve ever thought there was a canon stating that every straight white male priest must play the guitar at clergy conference…

If you’ve ever started your vestry meeting with a form of Appreciative Inquiry even though you really didn’t know what the hell it was…

If you’ve ever left the cathedral wondering what in God’s name is stuck to the seat of your pants…

If you’ve ever wondered how a Confirmation Service could possibly last 3 1/2 hours…

If you’ve ever driven to Weston…

If you’ve ever been turned down for postulancy in another diocese…

If you’ve ever wondered why a certain guitar-playing retired bishop keeps showing up at deanery meetings…

And similarly, if you’ve ever heard a certain retired bishop drop an F-bomb while smoking a cigarette…

If you’ve ever spoken to a resolution at convention and referenced the baptismal covenant…

And finally, if you’ve ever had a strapping young gay man trapped inside of you…

Okay, I should explain that last one — it’s a reference to something one of the speakers said. It was a joke. I think.

Finally, a few more that I couldn’t bear to say publicly in front of everyone but don’t have a problem putting on the internet since it’s so anonymous, untraceable, and easily erased:

If you’ve ever wanted to step on a precious little dog during a visitation…

If you’ve ever wondered how so many crazy people could have possibly graduated from EDS…

If you’ve ever thought your parish was in danger of closing…

If you’ve ever thought the social hour at clergy conference resembled the scene at a gay bar…

If you’ve ever wondered how a gigantic image of the nautilus passes for a Christian symbol…

If you’ve never attended an Episcopal seminary…


4 Comments on “If you’ve ever…you must be a priest in DioMass”

  1. Cathy says:

    How do you get away with this stuff!

  2. Bob Chapman says:

    That first one also works for the Diocese of South Dakota.

    How does it feel to have a strapping young gay man trapped inside you. Since I was a “late bloomer,” I missed having that fun when I was young.

  3. aleathia (Dolores) nicholson says:

    Do the words “Defrocked? Moi? Was it something I said?” ever cross your mind? Love it! You’re probably the only priest in the diocese with any semblance of a sense of humor… a healthy one, that is.

  4. kalilu says:

    Actually, hysterically funny even if you’ve only been a subdeacon, vestry member, clergy observer and convention delegate. As a former trust officer, I, too, have experienced the darling doggie syndrome–sniffed rudely, yapped at, ankle-bitten, all the while maintaining the flow of civil and compassionate discourse. Does one offer the other ankle?

    May the blessings of love be upon you. May its peace abide with you. May its essence illuminate your heart. Now and forever more. – Sufi blessing

    Tout comprendre, c’est tout pardonner


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