Strange Liturgical Products, Part 2Posted: July 21, 2011
Due to the overwhelming popularity of my first post on Strange Liturgical Products, I’m back with more. This is yet another indication that I am clearly in need of a long vacation (which starts after church on Sunday you’ll be glad to know).
The Beauty Smile Trainer is a small piece of presumably non-toxic rubber that trains your mouth to smile. This is the perfect adornment for Coffee Hour small talk when you’re in a bad mood (unless you actually plan to drink the coffee). It’s also useful for diocesan committee meetings as you check e-mail on your smart phone under the conference table while simultaneously trying to appear agreeable and engaged. Lastly it’s the perfect product for rectors who believe their sole responsibility is to walk around the church smilingly benignly at everyone they might encounter.
Tired of the same three guys with beards making the pancakes every year on Shrove Tuesday? The Batter Blaster wrenches control of this annual event from them (and their “secret” formula that seems to suck the taste out of the pancakes) in dramatic fashion. A product so easy a toddler could use, you simply point, spray, and Voila! pancakes galore (Cheez Whiz sold separately). You might want to keep those three guys around to clean up the predictable mess, however.
The Dog Treat Launcher is the perfect choice for keeping parishioners at arms’ length during communion. Simply load it up with wafers and it shoots up to 12 feet. But this product also has multiple liturgical uses. Load it up with pebbles to keep acolytes awake, wake up the guy dozing in the back row during the sermon, or reenact the martyrdom of St. Stephen. At the Blessing of the Animals you can also pre-bless dog treats and fire them down from atop the bell tower.
And finally, here’s a product for those who like follow the Prayer Book during liturgy but not at the expense of sitting upright in the pew. The Bed Book boasts sideways text so you won’t strain your neck as you recite the Prayer for Humble Access. No word on whether the Book of Common Prayer has been translated into Hebrew since, as long as you’re reading sideways, you may as well flip from back to front as well.