Episco-Papal Encyclical

Word seems to be getting out about my Popiscopate. Thanks to Father Scott Gunn, blogging from General Convention, for highlighting the state of the Episcopal Church on the East Coast and to Mad Priest blogging from the UK. Of course Father Gunn has passive aggressively hinted that he will be sharing the news of my (not-so-hostile) takeover with my current bishop. For this I have razed his church in Rhode Island and turned it into a Dunkin’ Donuts. Drive thru, of course (stained glass windows).

Below is my first Episco-Papal Encyclical. I write on the subject of church polity (etc) during the waning days of my reign. This is a hot and confusing topic in the Anglican Communion; one which I will clarify. Just as a reminder, whenever I sit down to write an e-encyclical I am infallible. Not just the typed words but my very being. Got it? Infallible. Oh, and inerrant as well. If you’re not already on your knees in humble supplication, I bid you to bow down before your computer in anticipation of holiness.

Timotheus I

 1. I have abolished the Southern Cone and replaced it with the Orange Southern Cone. This will lead to a more godly church and assist with parking control problems on Sunday mornings.


2. All “Flying Bishops” will be relegated to the overhead compartments. If their size prevents the flight attendants from adequately closing the bin doors, they will be tagged and stowed below in the checked baggage area.

3. Clergy who update their Facebook and/or Twitter status more than five times per day will be de-frocked for dereliction of pastoral duties.

4. Parish Halls built in the 1960’s will be immediately torn down. Those with massive sliding room dividers that haven’t been used since the mid-’70s will have priority.

5. All Episcopalians East of the Mississippi will sign an Oath of Conformity to the Most Grand High Pope of the East Coast. What precisely they will be conforming tois irrelevant. Those who fail to sign the oath will be banished to the undercroft to wear a dunce cap. Which looks amazingly similar to the Orange Southern Cone (see #1).

 6. I hereby establish the Institute for New Episco-Papal Tchakes (INEPT). Their charge will be to create an Episco-Papal Industrial Complex to include, but not be limited to, Episco-Papal Soap on a Rope, E-P Halloween costumes, the E-P Bar (with nougat), E-P bobble heads, and E-P box cutters (which, if you’re taking an airplane, must be checked with the Flying Bishops — see #2).

 Given by my hand this day in the first week of my Popiscopate, 2009. 

 +Timotheus I+

Most Grand High Pope of the East Coast





13 Comments on “Episco-Papal Encyclical”

  1. Peter Carey+ says:

    Where do I sign?

    Also, I was hoping that the southern cone would be turned into a orange (sherbet) cone, any leeway in that clause?

    Excellent work,

    (need to go, this is taking me away from Twitter and Facebook)!

    Peter Carey+

  2. Micah McConnell says:

    Laughing out loud in the Dio of Arkansas right now, Your High Holiness.

    I always picture those Flying Bishops like the Flying Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. Only with mitres instead of those organ-grinder caps they wore.

  3. Father Tim says:

    Cue the witch laugh!

  4. So I guess the answer to whether you’ll be needing a Canon of Communications is “no,” Your Infallible AND Inerrant Holiness, sir.

  5. Dear Mostly Holy Popiness

    I think now is the time to extend your jurisdiction by recognizing a breakaway group to cover the area West of the Mississippi as well. Those of us over here don’t want to be deprived of your poperie!

  6. Father Tim says:

    Very wise. My “potpourri” should spread like Manifest Destiny. Or incense.

  7. susan s. says:

    Your Holiness, I was unaware that the Mississippi River was the beginning of the East Coast. I have been misinformed these many years. Thank you for setting me straight on this.

  8. Father Tim says:

    Thank you for your titular deference. Great will be your reward. “New” geography is just one aspect of my overall ministry.

  9. Rick+ in Reno, NV - USA says:

    Wonderful! Actually, we in the west consider anything east of the Rockies as “The East,” so if you’re interested in a little see-expansion, have at it!

  10. KEHF says:

    Laughing until tears came–it’s a good thing I had finished my tea. I’m here via MadPriest. You are a funny, funny person.

  11. David+ says:

    I’m packing up and getting out of my 60’s parish hall/office right now; ah, is the decree extended to 60’s rectories as well (and will your holiness be providing for moving costs?)

  12. Father Tim says:

    Father David+

    The decree does indeed apply to rectories provided they have brown linoleum kitchen counters and sea-green toilets. The Holy See will not pay moving costs since every priest (or at least every priest’s spouse) knows that true call is discerned through the quality of the rectory provided. 1960’s rectory construction and style do not a genuine call make. Here endeth the lesson.

  13. Fee says:

    I am speechless, which may get you extra points in heaven!

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