Episco-Papal EncyclicalPosted: July 13, 2009
Word seems to be getting out about my Popiscopate. Thanks to Father Scott Gunn, blogging from General Convention, for highlighting the state of the Episcopal Church on the East Coast and to Mad Priest blogging from the UK. Of course Father Gunn has passive aggressively hinted that he will be sharing the news of my (not-so-hostile) takeover with my current bishop. For this I have razed his church in Rhode Island and turned it into a Dunkin’ Donuts. Drive thru, of course (stained glass windows).
Below is my first Episco-Papal Encyclical. I write on the subject of church polity (etc) during the waning days of my reign. This is a hot and confusing topic in the Anglican Communion; one which I will clarify. Just as a reminder, whenever I sit down to write an e-encyclical I am infallible. Not just the typed words but my very being. Got it? Infallible. Oh, and inerrant as well. If you’re not already on your knees in humble supplication, I bid you to bow down before your computer in anticipation of holiness.
OF THE SUPREME PONTIFF
TO THE BISHOPS
PRIESTS AND DEACONS
MEN AND WOMEN RELIGIOUS
THE LAY FAITHFUL
AND ALL PEOPLE OF GOOD WILL
ON INTEGRAL HUMAN DEVELOPMENT
IN CHARITY AND TRUTH
1. I have abolished the Southern Cone and replaced it with the Orange Southern Cone. This will lead to a more godly church and assist with parking control problems on Sunday mornings.
2. All “Flying Bishops” will be relegated to the overhead compartments. If their size prevents the flight attendants from adequately closing the bin doors, they will be tagged and stowed below in the checked baggage area.
3. Clergy who update their Facebook and/or Twitter status more than five times per day will be de-frocked for dereliction of pastoral duties.
4. Parish Halls built in the 1960’s will be immediately torn down. Those with massive sliding room dividers that haven’t been used since the mid-’70s will have priority.
5. All Episcopalians East of the Mississippi will sign an Oath of Conformity to the Most Grand High Pope of the East Coast. What precisely they will be conforming tois irrelevant. Those who fail to sign the oath will be banished to the undercroft to wear a dunce cap. Which looks amazingly similar to the Orange Southern Cone (see #1).
6. I hereby establish the Institute for New Episco-Papal Tchakes (INEPT). Their charge will be to create an Episco-Papal Industrial Complex to include, but not be limited to, Episco-Papal Soap on a Rope, E-P Halloween costumes, the E-P Bar (with nougat), E-P bobble heads, and E-P box cutters (which, if you’re taking an airplane, must be checked with the Flying Bishops — see #2).
Given by my hand this day in the first week of my Popiscopate, 2009.
Most Grand High Pope of the East Coast