Christians Burning Bibles?

 

It seems I spoke too soon about Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, North Carolina. I lampooned them yesterday for releasing their “list of athletes going to hell.” But it’s worse than I thought: on Halloween night they’re holding a good old-fashioned book burning. Of Bibles.

Yes, they believe that the King James Version of the Bible is infallible and all other translations are “satanic” and “perversions” of God’s word. Duh. Everybody knows that Jesus spoke in Elizabethan English. And that every utterance that came from his lips was written in red ink.

But don’t worry. Pastor Marc Grizzard and his merry men (one can only assume) won’t stop at burning Holy Scripture. They plan to burn books written by Billy Graham, Rick Warren, and Mother Thersa, among others, since they had the audacity to occasionally quote from versions other than the KJV. I’m considering sending a courtesy copy of my book, What Size Are God’s Shoes, down to Western North Carolina to add to the pile — after all, I quote the New Revised Standard Version on several occasions.

And of course they’ll also be burning “Satan’s music such as country, rap, rock, pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel, contemporary Christian, jazz, soul (and) oldies.” This all comes from the church’s website which has now either crashed or been taken down. Unless they torched their own server in a preemptive strike.

The church, and I use that term loosely, claims to be inspired by this passage from the Acts of the Apostles:

“And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed.” (Acts 19:18 to 20 — KJV, of course).

I, however, think the inspiration comes less from the Bible and more from the infamous Disco Demolition Night held at Chicago’s Comiskey Park in 1979.

All I can say to any “witches” living down in Canton, North Carolina: watch your back.

Is Tom Brady Going to Hell?

Talk about grace under fire. Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, North Carolina, has released a list of athletes who are going to hell. I’m not sure whether satan holds press conferences to announce such things but evidently the pastor of this church does.

Topping the list is New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. “Tom Brady has an unwed child, but it’s okay because he wins Super Bowls,” proclaims the church’s web site. “Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am. How many of you dads cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?”

Also making the list:

Richard Petty: “Richard Petty’s god is racing, not God Almighty. He teaches that it is okay in life to cheat just don’t get caught doing it. Is Richard Petty your idol?”

Memphis Grizzlies forward Marko Jaric: “Engaged to the Victoria’s Secret supermodel (porn magazine) Adriana Lima.”

Wrestler Torrie Wilson:”Committed an abomination by kissing a female wrestler ‘Sable’ on the lips.”

The Chicago Bulls’ Joakim Noah: “Has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.”

Arizona Cardinals backup QB Matt Leinart: “He is teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once. Is Matt your idol?”

Football player Adam Archuleta: “Engaged to a Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.”

In the Episcopal Church we tend to focus on lifting up those who have lived exemplary lives of faith. In contrast to the list of athletes going to hell, we have a little something called the Calendar of Saints. Athanasius might not be as glitzy as Tom Brady; FD Maurice might not be as titillating as Richard Petty; but  I think it’s a better use of our time to focus on the saints among us and let God sort out the rest.

As far as this list is concerned, where’s the “Amazing Grace” in that?

A First Class Idea

At the Holy Post Cafe in Nottinghamshire

A parishioner recently shared an article with me about a parish in England that introduced a combination cafe and post office. It seems like an odd pairing but the “Holy Post Cafe” has evidently made the rural church into quite the meeting spot. You can purchase a scone as you wait on line for the “postmistress.” Or have a spot of tea as you lick your envelopes.

I’m all for things that get people into our church buildings — whether it’s to say a prayer, drink some Earl Grey, or mail a letter to France. Our buildings are a great communal asset; which is why it’s rare to find a church that doesn’t host an AA meeting. The trick is to blend the spiritual and the secular in an authentic way that honors the faith without demeaning it. A needed rural post office? Great. A reincarnation of Studio 54? Not so much.

I’ve always thought getting people non-parishioners to even step foot into a church building is a herculean feat. Churches can be intimidating and hold a tremendous amount of emotional baggage for folks. Breaking down that barrier is difficult. Coffee can help. So, evidently, can the need to send a package to your sister in Liverpool.

But once someone takes that first step and enters the sacred space of a welcoming (hopefully) church community, who knows what might happen? Who knows what God might plant into someone’s heart? But you have to have to fling open the doors, metaphorically and physically, to find out.

Of course the cafe/post office combination has my head swirling with other potential church ministries. Like a library/book burning facility: “You condemn it, we burn it.” Whatever brings ‘em in I guess.

Sum, Sum, Summertime

Good article by crack religion reporter Gary Stern in yesterday’s Journal News on how congregations deal with summertime. Nevermind that I have a quote buried in there. If you don’t keep up with Gary’s blog “Blogging Religiously” I commend it to you. Oh, and happy summer.

Riverside Redux

A few months ago I bloggedabout the controversy surrounding the new pastor at Riverside Church. The Rev. Brad Braxton had made the front page of the New York Post for commanding a $600,000 compensation package. Generally if a member of the clergy makes the Post, it’s not a good thing. You’ll never see “Holy Moly! Priest Preaches Brilliantly.” Rather it’s the holy trinity of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll.

Anyway, it was announced yesterday that Braxton has resigned. To give the NY tabloids equal play, here’s a link to The Daily Newsarticle. It’s a sad day for a proud church, one that has been a leader in liberal Protestantism for generations. Besides being the tallest church building in America (I’ve always thought it looked a bit like Batman), Riverside’s pulpit has held Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Kofi Annan, and even Fidel Castro.

The church is clearly at a crossroads, as is liberal Protestantism in general. How to “compete” with evangelical mega-churches? How to get back to its social justice roots? How to be welcoming to people of different faith yet also be uniquely Christian?

Oh, and it turns out the compensation package was only $475,000 rather than the 600G initially reported. Excuse me while I go drool over the severance pay.

School’s Out

Below is a column I wrote on summer church that appears in the current issue of The Living Church. I’m not positive but I would wager that Alice C0oper has never before been quoted in the publication’s 131 years. Enjoy (or not). But here it is:

GUEST COLUMN

JUNE 14, 2009 • The Living Church 23

Summer Lovin’

In 1972, punk-rocker Alice Cooper released his single, “School’s Out,” with the chorus “School’s out for the summer; school’s out for ever.” And for a generation, it was the last-day anthem of school kids everywhere. I certainly remember singing it with my middle-school friends as we raced triumphantly out of our final class with pencils and notebooks flying everywhere.

And then we all looked forward to a lazy summer with, as Alice puts it in his inimitable style, “no more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks, out for summer, out ’til fall, we might not go back at all.” That was back when the “lazy, hazy days of summer” still meant something. Before we started over-programming our children down to the precise moment each morning when we lather them up with sunscreen.

Unfortunately, some of us keep this “school’s out” mentality toward church. The “last day” often coincides with the parish picnic or Pentecost or some other year-end event. And we live into the old adage that says “Episcopalians are the only ones God trusts enough to take the summer off.” Which is, of course, absurd; a caricature of another era. A time when everyone who was anyone was an Episcopalian. And the moneyed classes left to summer (yes, it’s a verb in this case) on the Cape or the Vineyard or Bar Harbor.

Clergy often unwittingly feed into this mindset. And it’s because we could use a break! But canceling all programs during the summer, offering flat and uninspiring liturgies, and recycled sermons sends the wrong message. It puts the church on auto pilot, which is hardly an engaging way to proclaim the message of Jesus Christ. And it merely affirms people’s decision not to attend church during the summer.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. The summer months offer a wonderful opportunity to try out new things: Introduce some supplemental liturgical texts; hold a “Mass on the Grass” in the courtyard; let licensed lay preachers have a turn in the pulpit. And at the heart of this is the unstated declaration that the incarnational presence of the divine never ceases; that Jesus is with us everywhere and at all times. The summer is a wonderful chance to model this to the world.

That’s not to say there isn’t something nice about slipping into amore relaxed way of doing church once the vaunted “program year” ends. The ceiling fans are cranked up, leading to that low-level hum that pervades the silences; perhaps only two lessons instead of three are read; there’s lemonade available at coffee hour in a big, crystal punch bowl that someone’s grandmother donated decades ago; choir members confuse us by sitting in the pews rather than in the choir loft; when the rector genuflects, you occasionally catch a glimpse of bare leg which shocks you until you realize he’s wearing shorts under all those vestments. There’s a nice, gentle rhythm to summer worship. It’s just that gentle need not translate into uninspired.

The last few summers I’ve put up a bulletin board in the parish hall and encouraged parishioners to post church bulletins from far-flung locales. The purpose is twofold: to encourage folks to go to church when they’re away and to see literally how we spent our respective summer vacations. It’s proved pretty popular as we try to outdo one another with exotic destinations. The only requirement is that you actually attend the service. Sneaking into an empty church and snagging a bulletin from the previous Sunday decidedly does not count.

Enjoy church this summer at home and wherever your travels may take you. And remember that even though school may be “out for the summer,” church is not.

Our guest columnist is the Rev. Tim Schenck, rector of All Saints’ Church, Briarcliff Manor, N. Y., and the author of What Size are God’s Shoes: Kids, Chaos & the Spiritual Life.

No Ordinary Time

“There is No Ordinary Time” — this was the working title for my first (and as of yet only) book. It didn’t make it to publication, but I still love the title. It just works on multiple levels, especially for the liturgical church crowd. I thought of this since we’re now officially in Ordinary Time, that season after Pentecost that lasts until Advent. We’ll be seeing green for a looooooong time.

Of course it’s really a misnomer since there is no ordinary time — it’s all blessed by God and thus it’s all extraordinary time. In the introduction to “God’s Shoes” I wrote:

“I once saw a bumper sticker that read, “There is no secular world.” I’m not big on bumper sticker theology—“Honk if you love Jesus” and the like—but this proclamation said it all. There is no secular world. It is all sacred because God pervades everything. The divine presence weaves its way throughout our daily lives. God can be found in the miraculous and the mundane; in a family room fish tank, through a child’s probing questions, or at the town pool… I never did catch a glimpse of the driver with that bumper sticker. He or she turned off before I could peek into the window. But it doesn’t matter. We often see snippets of the truth on the highways and byways of life, just as we do in the midst of domestic chaos. We simply need to open our eyes to the possibilities.”

Happy Ordinary Time. Wake me up in December.