10 (more) Reasons Not to be Jesus’ Wife

Since I can’t leave well enough alone, I figured I would post ten more reasons not to be Jesus’ wife. This is it though. I swear. You can read the original 10 reasons here. FYI, I still haven’t heard from Dan Brown — I’m sure it’s a conspiracy.

Ten (more) Reasons Not to be Jesus’ Wife

1. He insists on calling every grace he says before dinner “The Lord’s Prayer.”

2. “No, I will NOT make locust and wild honey casserole for your friend John tomorrow night.

3. The way he suavely whips out his lighter at cocktail parties when someone pulls out a cigarette and says, “The Light of Christ.”

4. ‘I came not to be served but to serve.’ “Well, that’s all well and good but guess who’s still left to do the dishes?”

5. He’s always saying ‘Let the little children come to me.’ “You try hearing that all the time while your own biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben.”

6. Ever since his clothes turned dazzling white on that mountaintop, suddenly no bleach is good enough.

7. “You think it’s easy getting someone to their annual physical who walks around saying, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick?’”

8. Every time he forgets to stop by the grocery store on the way home he gives me the same thing: loaves and fish, loaves and fish.

9. ‘Pick up your cross and follow me.’ “That’s rich coming from someone who can’t even pick up his socks off the bedroom floor.”

10. I never was able to cash in on that life insurance policy.

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6 Comments on “10 (more) Reasons Not to be Jesus’ Wife”

  1. susan s. says:

    Love this! And your references to Dan Brown. I still think the fragment is one of his research papers.

  2. marguerite says:

    Actually, that Dan Brown might make you a character in one of his books would be yet another reason not to be Jesus’ wife.

  3. Cat Stafford says:

    Positively Brilliant – thank you

  4. Diana Wilcox says:

    Love it. In my sermon for tomorrow, I have the following:

    “Can you imagine being Jesus’s wife? Seriously – picture this…
    Into the house walks Jesus at the end of a long day at work. He unties his dirty sandals, and as he starts to sink into the recliner, he shouts “Hi Honey! I’m home!” Mary pipes back “Just got in myself, how was your day?” “Well, the usual, I suppose – healed a few people, broke up petty fights among my disciples, fed 5,000 people. You?” I’m sure after that she might like some of that water turned into wine.”

  5. haha! loved the last one.

  6. #5 made me think of Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny.


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